My Confession

I just want to take a nap.
I edited my paper today.
I decided it's really good right after I got scared because I felt as though I don't want to love.
I am still fighting
Me vs My Head and My Heart
over you.
Over loving you.
I'm still fighting.

May 22nd 11:56 AM

The paper I write with you at 3 in the morning earned me an A. I think you're extremely special and I don't regret using a superlative because I love you.

Monday

Listening to Elliot Smith sing me
everything i keep struggling to achieve.
My friend was supprised to hear that i love you.
She was jealous.

14 May 2008

I woke up talking to my invisible phone again.
I haven't failed with my "Positive Outlook" plan yet.

Not This Friday, The 30th

I dreamed that I was talking to you this morning,
on the phone,
while organizing books
Then I woke up and considered loving you again.
When ever my mind rolls over to you from another thought
I realize one more reason to decide I do.

Not Wednesday

I ate a chocolate chip muffin, but I wasn't hungry.
I watched a kid stick some gum on the underneath of my table.
I realized I only listen to certain people just in case they say something beautiful.
I don't want to miss anything beautiful.

Depressed and Insane

i miss feelings i used to know,
and love i used to have.
for thing that are gone forever.
and time, that leaves us alone.


the bed sheets were usually dirty,
of you and me,
Mechanical pencil tips were usually broken,
and somewhere in the creases of the blankets.
the laptop sat as a foot warmer

right now,
i realize,
You were something i liked looking at,
for the aesthetic value,
but i lacked the ability to love you
independent of my emotions.
and as i sit, looking through glass, i see you
in your brilliance,
and i wish i could look at your pupils again.
feel warm again.


but these are things of the past.
you told me not to revel in the past.
you told me not to worry of the past.
it was gone and it would not come back.
which is true and i wish i could forget it ever happened

because i cannot love.
i have lost the innocence of my first try,
my un-prejudiced stab at the sticky, blinding feeling- when beetles crawl down my throat and sing Roscoe Holcomb blues as they find my intestines and chew them apart.


and i keep your kisses. and i pretend you care, and i care,
and i can tell you things.
and you don't get upset or contradict me.
but i miss feeling like you stabbed me in the heart
or ripped out my hamstring.
because i felt important. something i lost with your trust.

but really,
because i loved you.